I knew very little about raising children when I first became a mom.

I knew that babies cried and burped and needed to eat and were really cute and that you had to do a lot of things for them. But I definitely didn't understand the EXHAUSTION. I had no clue how the dynamics in my marriage would shift.

And when I made the decision to breastfeed, I 1,000,000% did not understand all the emotions and feelings involved in that choice.

I didn't know that my baby wouldn't just pop out knowing how to breastfeed. I didn't know I'd have to meet with lactation counselors. I didn't realize that a perfect latch wasn't a given, that it was something the two of us would learn together. And that it would be painful and humbling to figure it all out.

I didn't fully realize that I'd have to consider whether my boobs would be easily accessible or not in a outfit I'd put on because I would need to nurse my baby in it. I didn't realize I'd live in nursing bras and tanks, all that every day. 

I didn't realize that nursing covers would just not be any of my baby's cup of tea. And I also didn't realize that after a while, I wouldn't even care anyway. That I'd breastfeed in a restaurant, at a party, in a bathroom stall, while on the toiled, in a dressing room,on the floor, in the church, in the car, on an airplane, (Oh, the places you'll breastfeed!)

I didn't fully understand how and when I'd need to pump. That I'd have milk available in the freezer if I was going to be gone for a few hours or more and that I'd have to pray she'd take the bottle while I was out.

I didn't know that I would cry over spilled breast milk on the counter. I didn't think about the fact that breastfeeding would feel a little bit like a leash at times and that I'd e hooked up to my baby during those girls weekends I had to decline because it was too overwhelming for me to pump enough milk to last my baby through the weekend.

I couldn't fully comprehend just how primal those early weeks of breastfeeding would be until I was in them. That I would basically have at least one of my boobs out at all times. That I would feel connected to my baby in this magical, beautiful way. That I would feel connected to other mothers who came before me as well as the ones who walked alongside me in motherhood.

That view of my breasts would change dramatically--from something sexual to something purposeful and amazing. My breasts produce food for my baby and my baby eats the food I produce. It's kind of mind-blowing.

I couldn't know what it was like to keep a human alive with my  body before I had a baby. The responsibility that comes with making sure you are getting enough milk into your baby or taking the right precautions to supplement if you need to, is heavy.

I didn't know how each well-visit at the doctor to check their weight could make me feel like I was being scored or judged in some way. I couldn't feel the anxiety that came wit this part of motherhood until it was sitting on my chest.

I didn't get the fact that pregnancy, getting older and breastfeeding  would alter the shape, size and look of my breast. That they'd be bigger an fuller that they'd ever be in my entire life for those first few weeks. That they'd be lopsided when my baby nursed from one of my breasts in one sitting, but not the other. That, after a while, my breast would feel and look a bit deflated and I'd often miss their perkiness of my pre-mom self.

I couldn't understand the relief that comes with weaning when you're ready to. It was very bittersweet. I missed those closeness we shared while nursing, but I had my body back to myself- which was a wonderful feeling after experiencing pregnancy paired with months and months of breastfeeding.

I was tethered to a pump or a baby's mouth anymore. I was free.

I definitely didn't know just how many hours I would log breastfeeding. I didn't know that babies could eat for a 40 minutes per breast in ONE SITTING. I remember sitting on the couch just nursing, nursing, nursing all day every day. (That's why I binged so many shows while breastfeeding!)

I didn't know that even as they grew and spaced out their nursing sessions, that they would go through phases where they would ant to nurse a hundred times a day.

I didn't realize I'd come to love this little crutch I'd learned to lean on and I'd look forward to being the special someone who could do this for them. That I'd be so grateful to finally be sitting after a long, busy day- in a quiet room, with my calm baby, doing something that made me just as happy as my baby.

I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice breastfeeding would be.

I didn't realize just how much of a commitment breastfeeding would be.

And truthfully? I didn't realize how much I would love breastfeeding.

No matter what it has done to the look of my breasts, no matter how it has affected my social calendar, and no matter how much effort I have had to put into it to make it work- I have loved breastfeeding cause it has brought me joy, pride and comfort.

Our journey hasn't been perfect. And breastfeeding is not always the answer for everyone.

Both of these things are okay. It's part of the story of us. Part of me, part of my son, part of my family.

What I do understand now is that this is something that has taught me so much and given my children so much. it is a step on my motherhood path I will honor and cherish for the rest of my days.

I Thank The Lord That Life Isn't Fair

Life isn't fair.

 You must've heard that said at least once in your life, or maybe you, yourself have said or felt that. That sad, sinking feeling leading to the realization that, indeed, life is not fair.

I've said that so many times in my life. But now when the thought crosses my mind, I try my best to remember to say, "Thank God!"

Thank God for the missed opportunities. They taught me to take advantage of what is being presented in front of me, and to be brave enough to gamble if that might mean something that will change my life.

Thank You, Lord, for the people and things that slipped from my grasp. They made me appreciate what I still have and know for sure what or who will remain.

Thank You for the closed doors. They trained me to accept that not everything I want is best for me, that not everything my heart desires is meant for me.

Thank You for the delays. They allowed me to learn patience and hard work, but most of all, trust. Trust in You. That everything will happen in Your time, and not according to my timeline.

Thank You for the disappointments, the frustrations, the pain, and the heartaches. They forced me to be strong, and most of all, to be resilient. To rise after each fall and to help others do the same.

Thank your for the failures and the lessons learned. They showed me how life is fair in the sense that after each failure, every succeeding minute is another chance for a do-over.

Thank You for the times I've been judged, criticized, and questioned. they inspire me to be better myself and led me to finding who I am and who I want to be.

Thank You for the loss, whether it be people or things. They emphasized the fact that life indeed is short and that we should cherish every moment and truly live while we still can.

Thank You Lord for not always making life fair. For allowing us to experience hardships so we may appreciate everything we worked hard for. Thank you for forcing us against the wall at times to teach us not to rely on ourselves but on you.

Thank you Lord for letting us know that in the most unfair of times, we always have You. And if that fact still does not make life fair, I don't know what does.